The Paradox of Change

For me, change is like backpacking. 

I absolutely LOVE the idea of it but when it comes time to put on the pack and venture out into the wild unknown the sheer sensation and my fears become too much and I don’t like it anymore, if I’m being honest.

I’ve been on the edge of a pretty big change for a while and when the change was scheduled for ‘someday’ it was exhilarating. Thinking about it put stars in my eyes. 

But writing my resignation letter, that was a totally different story.

The time is right and I know this is the next true thing and that everything will work out and that this is moving us closer to the life we’ve been dreaming up in the little moments before falling asleep and while cleaning up the kitchen after dinner and yet, it's still hard, still feels like loss, still feels like wildly large uncertainty is swallowing me whole, still needs space and time to be mourned and acknowledged for all that it has been and all that it has brought even though its expiration date has passed. 

This season of change is teaching me that it is okay to mourn the loss of letting go of the things that are no longer for me.

It is okay to know it is time, be relieved it is time, AND be very sad to say goodbye.

If you feel deeply, trying to navigate life with logic alone can make you feel like you’re doing it wrong. 

It is okay to cry when the changes you hoped for come to pass. It is okay for the truest thing to be hard in ways you didn’t see coming. It is okay to want the change so badly and to not like it at the very same time.