The Portals of COVID-19
The portals that COVID opened up for me have been huge.
I’ve been invited to look at my fear of death and loved ones dying, my fear of connection, fear of losing autonomy over my body, my relationship to selfishness and the biggest portal of them all, my fear of being disliked (although losing control over what goes in my body was a very close second).
Much of the time I’ve been silent here has been because when I thought about saying something my mind literally went blank because I had so much to say and I didn’t know where to start, because I was deep in shame or anger or because I anticipated the reactions of others to what I had to say and I didn’t think my system could handle them so, I just kept not saying anything.
For a long time I felt really victimized by the whole thing and now I’m able to see how feeling like I’d become Public Enemy No. 1 was incredibly curative and how it supported my growth like not much else could’ve.
When I realized in mid 2021 that I had become Public Enemy No. 1 of the moment in the eyes of many because of a medical intervention I opted out of, because of the sources I consulted and dismissed and because I listened to my inner knowing and body’s wisdom I was left totally mind fucked.
Looking back I’m not sure why I was so stunned by the conflict between what taking care of myself actually meant for me and what the public health establishment was spewing (I’ve been acutely aware of the conflict in our interests for years) but what had been the ultimate shock to my system is how ‘good’ people I know and respect had become part of the enforcing arm of this gnarly entity - people who had been convinced that their friends, co-workers and neighbors who chose not to receive an experimental medical treatment were the enemies.
What.the.actual.fuck?
I had managed to nourish my body back to wellness 12 years ago when my digestive system, endocrine system, immune system and skin were a mess all the while my nurse practitioner insisted nothing was wrong with me and since then I’d learned more ways than I can count to keep my body healthy and yet, a thriving woman in her late 20s who literally cannot remember the last time she had a temperature, who pays out of pocket for preventative treatments like chiropractic, acupuncture and supplements, is being coerced by people on the internet and is afraid of what her ‘friends’ think of her.
My mind could not compute. How could this be? Are they serious? Am I really this weak?
Yup, serious they were (maybe they still are?) and weak I was.
Do folks still think someone who refused a “safe and effective” medical intervention that’s proven to be actually-not-that-safe and actually-not-that-effective in all the ways we were told it would is still to blame for the world's COVID-19 woes?
Damn. I was stunned and reeling for months, knowing that this is how I was thought of by a lot of people because of a category I now fit within left me frickin’ shook.
Little by little it dawned on me, this had come to illuminate a swath of warped beliefs I held that kept me out of my truth, kept me small and from living in alignment with my higher self while surrounded by people who I didn’t vibe with.
How stunned I was by this whole thing was a sign that I needed to see something that my ego had been clinging to but was hiding in plain sight from my awareness.
I was paralized by the fear of being disliked, of backlash, of rocking the boat. On some level I believed I had the courage to speak up for what is true but when there was actually something that hit home for me to use my voice for, I wilted.
This whole thing has given me so much to unpack, so much to feel, so much frustration to work through and while I’ve had a lot to say for a long time it’s been important that when I do speak up it comes from a sober place, from a grounded, embodied place and not from the myopic perspective of the victim and that’s just not something I was capable of a few months ago.
Its been such a wild process to witness and it felt kinda slow but I think that’s probably the nature of big shifts in perspective.
While the mainstream media (better known as the propeganda arm of the world’s financial superpowers) has moved on from this topic since plugging up all the leaks in the narrative was proving impossible and tuned our focus to the world’s next villain because that’s the easiest way to keep our attention captured, this is my starting point.
There’s more I have to say but for now this feels like a good place to pause.