I’m Not Interested In Being Nice

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your kneesfor a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

- excerpt from Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

Last night it dawned on me that for most of my life I’ve been acting how I thought was best in order that the majority of people would think I was nice.

Nice.

Nice.

Nice… and as I consider what nice means to me other words that float up are people pleasing and amenable.

Given my personal history with the word I would define ‘being nice’ as acting in a superficial way to come across as likeable to the greatest amount of people.

None of these words describe the women I most admire.

So today I’m breaking up with being nice.

When the spell was cast on me as a kid and I was told for the first time, “Maria, be nice.” Those three words planted a seed in my psyche that grew into a whole warped way of being that was underpinned by the narratives:

• People like nice girls.

• People like girls who are easy to please.

• It’s expected for you to deny what you desire and put others’ desires before your own.

• The most important thing you can do is keep the people around you happy.

• It’s imperative that you help to maintain the status quo.

How does one live up to these flawed premises?

She makes sure to be nice.

To not say what is true for her for fear of hurting another.

To say sorry all the time.

To give and give and give and just take a tiny bit for herself because she doesn’t need much. A tiny bit is enough.

To never be the cause of someone else’s unhappiness.

 And what is she left with after all that?

She’s left with a sense that there’s more to life but that she doesn’t know what it is, or where it is or how to find it.

She’s also left holding a dam full of desires and dreams and preferences and STRAIGHT UP KNOWING deep inside of her that’s been pushed so far down but is still near overflowing, ready to burst and break its walls if ever she lets her guard down.

At first the overflow surfaces as resentment and jealousy of the ones who aren’t so repressed. Of the ones who don’t care about being nice or if people don’t like them them.

And then it turns to awareness – to knowing there’s something she wants that they have.

And from awareness it becomes hopefulness – if they have it, it must be possible for her too.

And then to compassion for herself and for all the others who were told it was better to perform niceness than to be themselves. Better to act as peacekeeper for the whole world than to honor who they really are and what they know deep inside.

And then one day she realizes that long ago she made a vow to give up herself for others good opinion of her and she decides it’s a vow she isn’t interested in upholding any longer and so, like a little girl releases a balloon and watches it float up and away she releases the curl of her fingers on the string.

Life is too short to spend it being nice. I want to live in a way that is real, kind, honest, authentic, deep, feeling, challenging, generous, heartfelt and true.

It’s important to note that when you give up being nice you don’t have to give up being kind but you do have to give up being dishonest with yourself and with those around you and there will be repercussions. People may like you less and the ones that were only around to bask in your niceness may fall away but, sweet one, I promise you you’ll be okay.

On second thought, you’ll be better than okay because you’ll be a little bit closer to free.

xo,
maria 

Curious about working with Maria? Check out Know, Love & Trust Yourself, the next transformative 4 week group program she’s facilitating.