How to stop getting in your own way
Last week I was introduced to the possibility that one could experience contrast (contrast is just another way of saying something unwanted) without adding resistance into the experience, which is another way of saying, not getting all upset about whatever is going on that’s unwanted.
In practice, contrast without resistance looks like:
Someone disagreeing with you and you not acting on the urge to prove them wrong or change their mind
Finding yourself in a situation you don’t want to be in without jumping to blame yourself or someone else for it
Making a mistake without getting down on yourself
As I contemplated this idea I found myself smack dab in the middle of an experience of contrast in which I added piles of resistance to the equation in the form of:
Blaming others for why I felt bad
Blaming myself for not being about to get myself off the subject
Being mad at myself for falling prey to an old habit I thought I’d let go of
The more I contemplated what my life would look like if I refrained from adding my own resistance to moments of contrast the easier it was for me to see how innocently I have the tendency to do this.
It’s as if something is hardwired in me that says:
“Accepting this unwanted thing will make it your forever fate. If you don’t fight it you’re letting it win and so, you must fight it, push against it, tell everyone how bad it is and find someone to blame for it if you want to make it stop.”
And that couldn’t be further from the truth.
What is it about us humans that makes us think accepting a thing is the same as complicity with it?
Accepting a thing doesn’t mean we condone it, it just means we recognize that it, in fact, is.
The truth is, getting frustrated, ruminating over life’s unfairness and constantly looking for someone to blame holds me from experiencing the improvement in my circumstances that each moment of contrast lets me know I’ve cued up for myself.
This theme, that of meeting contrast without resistance is central to the coaching I do with my clients for a few very important reasons.
Contrast is incredibly valuable. It reminds us what we don’t want and therefore helps us to bring clarity to what we do want.
It helps us see when our beliefs contradict our desires.
It keeps us growing, evolving and expanding.
After an experience in which contrast sent me reeling into resistance, I made a commitment to myself to get curious first the next time the urgent burn of contrast arose within me.
By doing so, I learned that every conversation I had about politics that I didn't agree with didn’t have to turn into a heated debate (because when I get defensive it means I’m believing the lie that there’s something I have to defend to preserve myself/my ego/my value/my “being right”) and that I could still show the person who I was speaking to what my perspective was and why.
Once I made this shift, something really interesting happened.
I was talking with someone about a topic the two fo us regularly disagree on and instead of bringing my usual resistance and me vs. them mentality to the debate I actually caught that person off guard because they were expecting resistance where I had none to offer and the whole mood shifted, their defenses lowered and we were able to acknowledge our common ground along with what we saw differently in a reasonable, helpful, useful, way.
For the first time in a while I was able to listen well and be heard better than I’d been before.
Now that’s a little (and relatively specific) example, however when this practice of resistance mitigation is applied across other situations/areas of life the results will be similar.
Issues resolve themselves faster, solutions arise where before only problems glared and life gets smoother.
When resistance is removed from a system in its place arises free flowing, creative ease.
Tell me, who doesn’t want more free flowing, creative ease in their life?!
If reading this has helped you identify a scenario in which you bring added resistance to the contrast… YAY! Awareness is always the first step towards improvement and now you know that even when things aren’t how you want them to be, you STILL have a choice.
If the idea of adding less resistance to your experiences is intriguing but you don’t know how to take the theory and put it into practice, reach out. I’ve made it my mission to support you in navigating the contrast life presents to you while offering accountability as giving you tools to help you reduce the resistance you add to any experience.
You deserve to live your dreams, embody your next level self and experience more ease and if this is something you’re ready to work on and you’d like to see if working with a spiritual life coach is right for you, fill out an application for coaching here.