The Desires of Your Heart

The divine gives you the desires of your heart.
— andrea fendrick (my mom)

Last night when my head hit the pillow my mind was spinning circles around me. After a few dizzying moments I remembered something I’d read from the gene keys.

“The first thing you have to do is free your mind from the responsibility of running your life. That is the job of your heart, and your mind is here to serve your heart. Once your mind is free from worrying about your life, its higher gifts will become apparent.”

In a moment after that recollection I trained my focus on my heart and began to listen, the stories of my mind dissipating like smoke swept away by the wind. As I listened I felt a soft, pervasive, pulsing current overtake me and my physiology & mood shifted in an instant and I swear to you, the last thing I heard before consciousness left me for the night was the melody of my own heart’s song.

Fast forward 8 hours to this morning in the shower. While the water washed over me my mother’s words echoed in my mind, “God gives you the desires of your heart.”

The meaning of that seed of wisdom has grown and evolved over the years and now I know it was a breadcrumb delivered from my spirit guides through my first worldly guide to help me find my way and direct my work.

Honest confession from a life coach: For the past 2 years I’ve been stuck. I’ve been scared of my desires, scared of my gifts, scared of being called a fraud, scared of failing. 

Today I understand these fears but for the past 24ish months I was living cloaked in a misunderstanding that the desires that arose in me were mine, that the gifts that flowed through me were mine and that any failure or judgement I encountered defined me to my core. The weight of the perfection I thought was required to be good enough crushed me and stopped me (temporarily) from acting on the voice of inspiration, my heart’s song. 

When I started a “real job” in January of this year, for the first time in my adult life because I feared doing so would totally crush my soul, I put my heart’s desires and all of the pressure I had mounted on myself in relationship to their precise execution on a shelf. To my surprise and delight my soul wasn’t crushed. I actually liked the way my life was changing because of it and after a few months time my heart’s desires slipped off the shelf and made their way to me, loud and clear as ever, and this time when they tapped me on the shoulder I could feel that my relationship to them had morphed into something unrecognizable.

Before my real job I was under the impression that desires and inspiration came to me for me, to fulfill me, to bestow purpose on me, to give me my life’s work, to save me, and to fill my bank account. As I reflect on that sentence it paints a picture of a girl who was incredibly selfish and self centered - and while that is true she wasn’t that way as a result of arrogance. It was the isolation of her own insecurity that had shrunk her down into the very center of her small feeling world.  

From my current vantage point I can see how in the six months I have lived without fiercely pursuing these desires I’ve continued to heal, grow, evolve, and thrive. Naturally, the next question that came was: “If I can thrive (to a degree - trust me something was missing) without molding my entire life around inspiration and the calling of desires that once felt like my only lifeblood why do they even come to me?” and then it hit me. 

The reason these desires and ideas want to be born through me isn’t just for me and the ones that want to be born through you aren’t just for you either. In my old view of desires and inspiration I could only see half of the equation, it was like I saw myself as having a phone that could only receive calls but couldn’t send them because somewhere deep within I had assumed the position that no one wanted to hear what I so desperately wanted to say. In a universe as efficient as the one we’re a part of that makes no sense. Why would anyone want to tell a story that no one wants to hear?  Why would the divine create waste like that? 

Spoiler Alert: The divine doesn’t create waste like that. 

The reason these ideas are practically bursting through me is because I’m the instrument meant to play this specific piece of the divine universal symphony of expansion and whatever desires are in your heart, begging to spring forth out of you are there because you and the rest of the world will benefit from their sweet sound ringing out into space. 

Now, the question staring both of us down: Do we have the courage to give our worn out stories of inadequacy, imperfection and not-enough-ness a rest so the world can hear our songs?

I do, and I know you have the courage too. 

xo, maria

freestocks-org-Y9mWkERHYCU-unsplash.jpg


Maria Fendrick